Letting Go

In my life, I've had to let go of people.  Some of it was my decision and some decisions were made for me. I tend to hold on to people, TIGHT. But every now and then it's best for me to let go a little (or a lot). I almost always do it reluctantly and with a few tears and I tell myself that it'll make my life easier. Sometimes I even convince myself that it's true.

Growing up I spent a lot of time with my Grandma and Grandpa. I spent countless weekends with them until I was well into my teen years. When my Grandpa passed away after a short but brutal illness, I felt myself pull away from my Grandma. Mostly unintentionally but it happened all the same. In hindsight I think I was protecting myself from when she left me too. What I didn't know was that she would be a victim of dementia and although she was physically with me she was slipping further and further away. I'm ashamed to say that as she drifted further away and I should have been there regardless, it was easier to pretend she was already gone and stop visiting her. Maybe that was natures way of making it bearable when she finally went to Heaven. It wasn't bearable, it was HARD!

I want to hold on to my granddaughter just as fiercely. But she's not mine to hold on to. Not in the selfish way I want to. I can't make her love me as much as I loved my grandparents. I can't inject myself  into her life and not expect to have to let go sometime.  Letting her go a little at a time is hard but for me but it's important. I'll love her with my whole heart always but always remembering that she's not mine.

Now that Chris has graduated from high school and is deciding what his future holds, I'll again be letting go. He's contemplating the military reserves. That sounds like a very "grown up" decision but it scares the shit out of me! My mom has a theory that your kids drive you crazy as teenagers so that it's not so hard to let them go when they become adults. I agree, in theory, because Lord knows he drove me crazy but I'm not ready to let go of him either.

I'm tired of letting go!