Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I Think I Need A 12 Step Program

I fail at moderation!  Just enough of something is never enough for me. I'm also an impulse shopper. Which is a very expensive combination!

We went to Yankee Candle this past weekend. Instead of getting a couple candles I had to have 5, you know to make it an even $10.00. I could have bought MANY more but my sweetie was done humoring my craziness after inhaling about 548058 scents. But I did only buy one candle holder. Progress I say!

Next we stopped in at the cutest little spice and tea shoppe. One or two kinds of tea would have been sufficient but no, I had to have 4! There are 12 cups in each package. That's 48 cups of tea! Nobody needs that many cups of tea.

Bath and Body Works sucks me in every time! Damn buy 2 get 1 free sales. That should mean I would walk out with a small bag of 3 items. Oh no, that's for normal people. I end up with 6 or 7 items that I'm guaranteed never to use all of. And of all different smells.

Apparently I'm also unable to make a decision.

Cookies? A couple? Nope, 6 or 8 or 10.

I bought 2 headbands with 4 interchangeable flowers. Very cute, but headbands give me headaches. Why I needed to buy them at all is a mystery.

Issues? I haz em!

Monday, November 22, 2010

He Didn't Get It From Me

My kid can cook. Well!

I can't boil water. At all!

On our last trip to Hobby Lobby (my new favorite craft oasis) he strolled through the aisles of cake pans and icing tips with the glazed over look of a kid in a toy store. Seriously, he was mesmerized by pastry bags and gum paste. Gum paste doesn't even sound edible! Fondant smoothers, rolling pins and cookie cutters, oh my.

We left the store with a small bag containing: food coloring (guaranteed not to thin icing, in case that's important), 2 shiny, silver decorating tips, and tiny leaf shaped cutters. As far as he was concerned it was a treasure trove of the appropriate tools.

He decided that we would have cake for Thanksgiving with fondant instead of canned icing, which I tried to explain to him is just as good. He didn't believe me! I know these things, give me a can of chocolate frosting and a spoon and I've got a meal. Kinda explains my ever expanding waistline. Anyhow, I've researched fondant on the internets and let me tell you, no one has anything nice to say about it. We're going with a recipe of marshmallows and powdered sugar with water. We found a box of pre-made fondant that we could just roll out but the internet people said it doesn't taste very good so we passed.

Not only does he want it covered in fondant but it has to have layers. How many, I'm not sure. Personally, I think he's seen one too many episodes of Cake Boss on TLC. Oh, and not just white fondant. He wants colors! Ummm, marshmallows AND  powdered sugar are white, color could be a problem. I bought icing coloring, so we'll give it a shot but I'm skeptical. The plan is to have brown fondant with orange, red and yellow leaves. Lofty goals in my opinion. I, of course, will have a very small part in the creation of this masterpiece because I don't have a strand of DNA that contains any baking genes.

He's barely able to contain his excitement about making this cake. Pastry school in his future? Possibly!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Paging Dr. OMG Are You Out Of High School

Last week I made a doctors appointment with Dr. Awesome to look at some funky bumpy mess on my back. I figured it was probably a creepy rash that was obviously a symptom of some disease that only has investigational cures.

The appointment was today. Early this morning the office called me to let me know Dr. Awesome wasn't going to be in the office but that I could keep the appointment if I was okay to see the new doctor in the practice.  Yea, whatever, I just wanted to make it go away. STAT!

After the obligatory weight (I took 10 pounds off in my mind), blood pressure and temperature I sat back and waited for the doctor to get to me.  He knocked and opened the door. Standing there was a kid who looked to be about, oh, 12 or so. Certainly it wasn't bring your kid to work day at the doctors office. I just kept waiting for Dr. Dad to enter behind him, but no, this kid was the doctor!

I was going to make some witty comment about Doogie Howser MD but I was worried that A. He wasn't old enough to have ever seen Doogie Howser or B. I would seem REALLY old. I kept to the facts and gave him the run down of my embarrassing and completely gross symptoms. He took a look at my back (I'm pretty sure my bra strap was one of the first he'd ever seen). And declared that it was just acne. Since he's clearly still in puberty he probably knows what acne looks like so I'll take his word for it.

Apparently, the acne I had when I was a teenager took a hiatus and came back with a vengeance some 25 years later. Now I have an appointment with a dermatologist who better be older than Dr. Can't Buy Beer.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Craving Comfort

Home should be comfortable.

Family should be comfortable.

Work should be comfortable.

Then why am I finding it so hard to find comfort? I'm struggling to find a peacefulness. It feels like it's just out of my reach. Grasping and leaning over what sometimes feels like an abyss. Teetering with an all consuming fear of falling.

Some days I find my footing and creep a few more inches toward some tiny piece of contentment. Other days, every step I take crumbles a few more pebbles from under me. I want more than anything to feel settled.

Maybe it's the upcoming holidays, the changes at work or the mess at home. I wish I knew, I would gladly fix the cause if I knew what it was. I'm not expecting everyday to be rainbow and unicorn filled but a few days here and there that's as comfortable as a warm blanket straight from the dryer would be nice.

Thursday, November 11, 2010


Maybe the relationship got stale? Maybe I craved shiny and new? I was definitely lulled into a false sense of contentment.  I was settling, I knew it. I've been loyal. Until now. Okay, so I strayed a time or two before but the reasons were right, I swear.

I've searched for things that just weren't there. I may have seen them once, but upon returning they were gone. No one could tell me where to find them, I was on my own. The cost has been just too high not to seek satisfaction somewhere else. I know it was more of a habit than a real sense of happiness. Yeah, maybe a little happiness seeped through as I weaved my way through the familiar. Newness was intriguing. I could feel the lure. The tugging of something that was not so familiar.

Michael's has been a go to place where craft cravings can be quenched. They had everything I needed. I could wander the aisles for stuff I didn't know I needed. It was a strain on my bank account sometimes, but I could justify most of the costs. There wasn't any other options until.....Joanne's Fabric and Crafts opened a huge, new location!

They had fabric! Something that Michael's just couldn't deliver. Mostly, I stayed faithful to Michael's out of some strange sense of obligation. Oh, and Joanne's had coupons. I was defenseless to the coupons. Who could blame me? It was 40%, they practically give things to me. All my feelings of a crafty nature were pacified. I thought I was satisfied.

Until today, when I succumbed to the itch to go astray. I struggled to remain devoted to Michael's and Joanne's but Hobby Lobby flashed it's rows of all things crafty and beautiful. Artsy projects that teased me with promises of awesomeness. I couldn't resist. I was pulled in by a magnetic force that I was helpless to defy.

I have no remorse. It was AWESOME!

I suspect this will be a long term relationship.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


Had a meeting today that I've been dreading. A meeting to cement the details of my new job, which is pretty much the same job but at a different location with different coworkers. That doesn't sound so bad but my brain has morphed it into GIANT anxiety.

As I sat in a room full of other people who are facing the same changes I felt the pin prick of tears behind my eyes. I desperately tried to slow my breathing and willed the tears not to fall down my cheeks. Mostly I succeeded. At least until I got to my car after the meeting. I tried so hard  to stay optimistic. There are some definite pluses. Every Friday off. Four 10 hour days. So much uncertainty though. I WILL NOT CRY everyday for the first six months! Did I mention I did that for my last job change? Embarrassing, I know. I didn't pick up the job as quickly as I expected myself to. I won't let that happen again!

I'll be okay. There will be growing pains but I won't be the only one experiencing them. I need some time to process all the information and package it into bite size segments. Big pictures overwhelm me, I hate it but it happens. Deep breaths. Doing my best. It will be okay.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Martha Stewart and Hoarders

I love when my house is decorated for the holidays. With the mess from the mini-renovation that completely turned into a renovation of ginormous proportions there isn't much room for decorations of any kind inside the house. Therefore I felt it necessary to decorate my front porch. My inner Martha Stewart would not be muzzled, she demanded hot glue, glitter and silk plants!

You know how decorators start a project with an "inspiration piece"? I' ve watched HGTV, I know these things.  I wanted a cute chair on the porch, not to sit on just to accessorize with appropriate holiday crap. I started at local thrift stores hoping to find a wicker or wooden chair that looked distressed and didn't need too much cleaning.  Do you know what's at thrift stores? HOARDERS! Who else would need a shopping cart full to overflowing with sequin covered clothes, comforters and pillows with the most horrible kaleidoscope of mauve and blue flowers and Corell dishes circa 1972? There were people putting lamps in carts that had obviously spend the better part of the last couple of decades in someones great-grandmas basement. Clearly they should have skipped the thrift store circuit. Nobody needs a brass touch lamp with glass panels that have owls printed on them. The lady with them in her cart was extremely excited that there was a pair. I'm sure I'll be seeing her on Hording: Buried Alive, next season.

I found one white wicker chair that with 4 or 5 cans of white spray paint would have been acceptable for my porch decoration but that seemed like an awful lot of work and it was $15.00. Well above my budget. So what was I to do? I went to HomeGoods and bought a $40.00 chair. What? It was brand new, it was totally worth it.


Without a doubt, Martha would approve.

No hot glue was wasted and no fingerprints were lost in the creation of this spectacular fall display!

Friday, November 5, 2010

Greener Grass

Why is it that human nature is to want what we don't have? Believing that the grass is always greener in someone elses yard.

I watched out the window today as the clouds drifted in to cover the sun. It was grey and brooding, all I could think of is that it looked like snow was on the way. Not possible since I live in the south. Yet daydreaming about snow made me giddy, like a kid waiting on the radio announcment that school was cancelled for the day (in reality, that hardly ever happened). I've lived where it snowed, I didn't like it so much!  I bought a wool peacoat a few days ago. I'm still not exactly sure why I needed it. Hopefully I'll get to wear it a couple of times in the next few months.

When I lived in a state where Mother Nature promised snow but rarely delivered I was thankful that she was often wrong. Scraping ice off the car with limbs that you can barely feel sucks. And shoveling the crap white stuff was no walk in the park either. Those parts I don't miss!

Beautiful red and gold leaves floating to the ground from trees that seem to reach to the heavens can mesmerize me. Remembering days from many years ago that I dove into piles of the earthy smelling leaves sending the pile flooding back onto the lawn. Raking those leaves wasn't so much fun! I recall some blisters that threatening to cause me to amputate my fingers with dental floss. It's definately a plus that palm trees don't spread pesky leaves although I now know you can use an awesome leaf blower to corral them. Causing a swirling snowglobe of leaves fluttering like glitter.

I have a corner of my brain that I call the Norman Rockwell lobe. Sparkly visions of Christmas past, present and future are tuck in there. Perceptions of holidays that are far more embelished they could possibly ever be in reality. Still, it makes me happy to have bigger than life ideas about holidays, snow and the jewel colored leaves of fall. Even if the reality is never as grand as my Norman Rockwell inspired imaginary scenes I like that my imagination is capable of creating magnificent "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" scenarios. 

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Falling Down

At times being a parent is a little like being tossed off the top of a mountain, bouncing and tumbling haphazardly down the side landing in a bruised heap at the bottom after targeting every tree and rock.

My nature is to lay at the bottom far too long letting the cuts sting and aches set in. If I was quicker to get up and dust myself off the hurt might not last so long.

I hate the feelings of embarrassment that I failed to instill values that should come naturally to my boys.

I can't convince myself that decisions that they make don't directly have anything to do with any failure on my part. I did and continue to do my best but there are times when my best isn't good enough.  I could blame divorce or a lack of discipline because I felt guilty about my parenting inadequacies but at some point at least part of the responsibility is theirs.

There will be disappointments and decisions that shouldn't have been made but I need to wrap my head around the fact that  they aren't all my fault. Some personal responsibility does belong to them.

I miss the days when just the disappointed look in my eyes was enough to lead to apologies that were sincere. Not just defensive arguing that I worry too much or that it wasn't their fault. My head know that letting them grow up includes letting them make mistake and hopefully learn from them but my heart still wants to protect them.

I guess I'll get up and head back up the mountain side. There really are some fabulous views up there.