There are days when something happens and I immediately think...THAT'S GONNA LEAVE A MARK! Maybe a tiny bruise for a couple of days or just an invisible mark on my heart for an indeterminate amount of time.
My heart was the target today.
I met a boy. He had blond lashes and sleepy eyes. I was hesitant to touch him at first but after hearing his story my arms instinctively reached for him. I knew as my eyes welled with tears that they were going to spill down my cheeks and splash onto his downy soft hair. Still, I cradled him as close to my heart as I could. I wanted his heartbeat to sync with mine, just for a few minutes. He of course will never remember those few minutes but I whispered to him that some very lucky mommy who had probably waited for him her whole life was just waiting to hear "we've found a son for you".
Four weeks old I was told. This tiny infant was only one month old. I didn't ask anything about the person who decided she couldn't care for him and put him in foster care to be adopted by a suitable couple. As I held him he snuggled into my chest and it was almost physically painful to give him back. I'm not sure I would ever be strong enough to entertain the thought of allowing anyone else to raise my child and never see them again. Sure there are certainly circumstances that I can't see and there are people who are grateful for them because that is the only way that they will ever have a child of their own but today I couldn't see past the tiny little boy who at that moment had no mommy.
He'll never remember me but there will be times in the next few years when I will most certainly look at a little boy at a playground and think is that him. Oh, little one, how very lucky your new mommy and daddy will be to hold you and call you theirs.