Wednesday, October 24, 2012

A Blooming Relationship

For the last two and a half years the relationship that I've managed to share with Lily has been somewhat stunted. Admittedly, it was mostly self imposed. Generally out of fear I suppose. I wanted so desperately to share what my Grandma and I shared that I was afraid to stretch and reach for that special bond. What if it was torn away? I almost allowed fear to cause me to miss out on the most precious of relationships.

I also allowed another person to form the connection that I was willing to settle for with my only granddaughter. I gave him the ability to control how much I was willing to share with her. I'm angry.

I will not lose any more time letting him or anyone else dictate what kind of bond Lily and I share. I have big plans for us. I want to experience seasons and holidays with her. I've missed too many already.

This past weekend we shared our first of many holiday traditions together. Fall is a hard season to experience in Florida. Pumpkin patches are little more than tents with various size pumpkins lined in rows. And temperatures are 80 plus but experience it, we did.

I have lost time to make up for and seasons and holidays to look forward to.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012


Having grown up with a cat. I knew eventually I would have another one at some point. I knew most certainly it would be a female. She would purr loudly and ideally she would be a rescue.

Enter Lucy!

I saw a sign at PetSmart that said our local cat rescue had cats for adoption available there. I had planned a trip to Target next door but ventured into visit the kitties not thinking for a second that one would steal my heart the way this one did.

Secretly, I had a pretty long list of criteria for my imaginary pet.
1. Must be blonde.
2. Must have thumbs. A Hemmingway cat. Polydactyl.
3. Again, Female.
4. Must purr, Loudly.
5. Must LOVE to be held.

I reached in, stroked her soft fur. She looked at me with her beautiful green eyes and I was hooked.

No blonde fur. No extra toe. No purring. Wouldn't let me hold her if my life depended on it. NOTHING that I wanted but everything that I needed. She needed me to take her home. A forever home.

A home where she promptly took up residence under the cabinet in our bathroom. Refusing to be touched.

Thankfully, she just needed time and patience. She's still not crazy about being held but when I rub her belly she purrs LOUDLY.

For the next couple of months we're having an extended sleep over which includes one additional cat, a small dog, a beautiful curly haired toddler and her mom. Lucy's not too pleased with others using her litter box or eating her food. She makes this noise deep in her throat that resembles what I imagine a mountain lion sounds like right before it eats you. She's much happier about the human little person and her mom.

 Sometimes how things actually turn out are SO MUCH BETTER than how they are imagined!
This kitty loves with her whole body. She rubs and purrs and is everything I never knew I wanted.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Her, Revisted

I started this little blog, in my little corner of the internet because I needed somewhere to put all the words and feeling that were taking up so much space in my mind about Her. That was so long ago. August 2010.

Even now, I can barely bring myself to reread my own words. In an instant I can relive that day. It was equally one of the best days of my life and one of the most terrifying. I held the granddaughter that I had waited my whole life to meet and I felt the terror that my daughter released as she let me hold her and shed tears that she had held inside so bravely for so long.

I wanted to let her crumble and tell her it was okay I would put the pieces back together for her but I couldn't. She was stronger than that. She gave chances, where circumstances didn't deserve chances. Benefits of the doubt were afforded to those who certainly didn't deserve it. She gave her little family more than a fighting chance to bloom.

But now choices have been made. She's done what she thinks is best for herself and her little girl. She made the best of a less than ideal situation and she will never  have to say that she didn't give it her all. I am so very, very proud of her.

I've watched her make decisions that are not easy to make. I've seen her put her daughter above everything else. She is the mother I knew she wanted to be when she stepped off that airplane that hot August afternoon.

I wanted so desperately to save her. To keep her from drowning in the hurt. But, she didn't need me to save her. She's strong and independent and such a good mother. She's going to be just fine.

And this beautiful curly haired granddaughter that we are so lucky to have is loved beyond words. She's going to be just fine too.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Forcing It To Fit

You know that cabinet in your kitchen that just can't hold one more item?  It's probably a high small cabinet that's out of reach because it's not used often but it's there, containing random items that need a home. Mine is above the fridge and requires a chair to even open the door.
I keep my food processor up there. The one that I use about once a year to make the salsa that I love but that I'm generally too lazy to make. While it's nestled up there out of the way, it doesn't really fit. The door doesn't fully close. I've forced it to fit, breaking small pieces of the plastic cover and scaring the inside of the cabinet door.
Broken. Scarred.
It's not a cabinet door or kitchen appliance. Some days it's me. A small part of my head that I shove feelings or emotions in that I just don't have the strength to deal with daily. Occasionally, in a weak moment when I least expect it, a jagged piece with sharp edges tumbles out before I am able to prepare myself. A sharp shard that I thought I had careful tucked so far behind the loosely closing door that it certainly couldn't fall out. But fall out it does.

I scramble to collect all the scattered pieces. The scrambling is exhausting. The shards cut deeply but I continue to scoop them and tuck them away. Wiping the tears that fall even when I try desperately to ignore the burning pricks behind by eyes.

When the pieces are safely tucked way, I can smile. 

I know that forcing it to fit will cause another small piece to crack, creating another jagged edge and maybe even creating another scar. But it will only be seen from inside and it will all fit again this time too.


Sunday, May 6, 2012

A Pain In The Neck

For our 14th anniversary we booked a short cruise. More likely, than not a VERY ROMANTICAL CRUISE!

We're not planners so it was several weeks after our actual anniversary and we're cheap so we didn't purchase vacation insurance. After all,  what possible reason would we not be going on a cruise that was already booked and that was celebrating our wedding anniversary?!

About a week before the cruise I woke up with a kink in my neck but certainly it would go away before we left. IT DIDN'T! It slowly crept into my arm and had me begging my doctor to amputate it before I left on my MAYBE-NOT-GONNA-BE-SO-ROMANTIC cruise the next day.

I think we have a total of 20 pictures of the whole 4 day cruise, none of which I took.

We managed to leave the cabin for dinner in the dining room ONE night. I would have endured just about any amount of pain for lobster tail. We strolled the decks for a few minutes after dinner before the man who vowed to love me in sickness and in health could tell that I was about to ask the next person I passed for a nail file to surgically remove my right arm. When he asked me if I was ready to go back to the cabin all I could do was nod.

I'm fairly convinced that the woman tending to our room thought we must have been on our honeymoon because every time we left the room the bed was unmade (I was cold and could only get my neck and arm to stop hurting by lying down). If she only knew!

We docked in Nassau Bahamas and left the ship for about a total of a half hour. With every step I took the pain in my arm made me nauseous and I refused to throw up in a foreign country so we went back to the ship.

I totally ruined our fancy anniversary celebration and it sucked! But on the bright side I didn't spend any money, so there's that.

About 5 hours after we got off the ship I had an MRI which told my doctor that I had at least 3 herniated discs in my neck and nerves that were smashed between them. I didn't need an MRI to tell them that! I've now had 2 weeks of therapy which has helped and the pain has developed into more of an irritating electrical pins and needles sensation. Hopefully it will keep getting better.

Eventually I hope to have a cruise DO OVER. One where we don't have the only picture of us together in the mirror in our cabin.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

The First 14 Years of Forever

We chose a date. April 1, 1998. April Fool's Day.

Still appropriate. We make each other laugh.

My head knows the moon has always been perched in the sky. My heart tells me you hung it there especially for me the day we met (June 26, 1997, I remember).

Our family laughs at our clothing optional bedroom picnics 14 years into our marriage. We just giggle.

Both our hands reach towards the others' when we walk side by side. Instinctively.

You gave me my first house early in our marriage and we made it a home. Together.

We learned a lot about each other in that home. We faced fears and uncertainties but I never felt like I wasn't with the person who made my world whole. We learned that we were stronger. Together.

We raised OUR children. We made mistakes. We're still learning that each one is different and wonderful. Only one to go. Super heroes are made of that kinda stuff.

You keep me from sinking when the darkness bubbles from places that I don't understand.

You reach for me in your sleep like you've been doing if far longer than 14 years.

You know, without looking at me, which movies, tv shows, songs, cards, commercials, heck just about anything, are making me cry. I think you know, before I do.

We've held each other during the loses of people that we thought would crush us. And we just kept breathing. Together.

Grandchildren! We have grandbabies!

We have big plans for our future. I have no doubts that we will make them happen.

There is a contentment when we're together and an  anticipation when we're apart. I expected that to fade sometime during the last decade, but I'm overjoyed that it hasn't.

As we make our way to our happily ever after, loving and learning each step of the way,  I hope that you always know that you carry as much of my heart and soul with you as I carry with me.

Happy Anniversary Sweetie!

Monday, March 26, 2012

Dents and Scratches

About a year ago I got an offer from Groupon for a microdermabrasion at a spa more than a little ways away from our home. It was a good deal and my sweetie offered to chauffeur me so I paid for it and promptly moved it to the back burner of my brain.

As I've mentioned in previous posts my first marriage put a few dents and some pretty deep scratches in my self esteem and even though I've completely moved on from that phase of my life when I look in the mirror those leftover scars are still there. I'm mostly able to cover them but every now and then.....

Anyway as the expiration date crept up I figured it would go unused like the many pair of shoes that I HAD TO HAVE (then never wore) or that perfect dress that I bought (then wore once to find it didn't fit perfectly). If it weren't for the MANY reminder emails, that's exactly what would have happened but my husband is not as wasteful as I am so he scheduled the appointment.

I went to the spa, it was pleasant enough but they couldn't do the procedure that I had paid for with my Groupon because my skin type would have broken out like a teenage girl plowing thorough puberty. My body sometimes forgets that I am 40 something and should be WAY past the acne stage of life. Instead the esthetician (fancy word for facial lady) decided I would enjoy an oxygen facial. Basically they forced vitamins into my pores with oxygen. It was nice but what she said next set the stage to start repairing the damage that my self esteem has carried for so long.

She could make my skin smooth (something I haven't seen since I was about 12 years old). SIGN ME UP!! I scheduled a follow up appointment and left. In the car on the hour drive home I cried. Not breath-taking sobs, just a cleansing stream of tears that for anybody that knows me was inevitable.

This past Saturday, which should be mentioned was also my step-brothers wedding day, I went back to the spa for a chemical peel. A drive that should have taken about an hour, took me almost two because I am directionally challenged and can't read a map to save my life. Luckily I gave my self enough time to allow for my several detours and U-turns. I arrived at the spa with 10 minutes to spare. The procedure took about an hour and I left with instructions to leave the chemical on my face about 8 hours then remove it gently with water. Anyone who's been to a wedding knows it can last several hours and the 8 hour mark passed with the chemical still on my face (covered with make up, of course).

I really don't know how long it was left on past the recommended time but my face now looks like I either A. was a guest at Chernobyl or B. was left adrift a raft on the ocean for 3 days. To say it's RED is an understatement and now on the 2nd day since the procedure it is starting to peel (hence the chemical "peel" part of the process).

I'm a flaky, itchy mess. BUT, underneath it I am beautiful. I know that because my husband tells me so, every chance he gets.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Headaches 101

So thanks to some new laws here in the great state of Florida, my primary care physician AKA Dr. Awesome can no longer write my prescription for the ONLY migraine medicine that works because...wait for contains crack. Okay not really, it does however contain codeine. I tried the kind without the special ingredient for about a month now and my headaches are kicking my ass.

Enter Dr. Ahhmazing. He is a pain management doctor, who is allowed to write prescriptions for medication that work. Suck it law makers!!

Anyway, as it would be a little awkward to stroll into any physicians office and say "I'm only here to get you to write my a prescriptions for the medicine that my other doctor can't." I sat down and answered all 495408 of his questions.

Is the pain sharp, stabbing, dull, one sided, ice pick-like (yes, really)? What makes it better? What makes it worse (besides having to see 2 different doctors to get the medicines that work, I'm not bitter or anything)? How long have you had them? Have you tried this, this, this, this, this, this or this medicine? How about occipital (I know that has something to do with my eyes) INJECTIONS??? Ummm, no thank you!

Here hop up here on this crinkly paper. Squeeze my fingers (soooo not the same as pull my finger!). Push my hands. Then he covers my ears and presses on the space where my skull attaches to my spine. Did I mention he covered my ears? I saw his lips move but don't have a clue what he was asking me. It didn't hurt so I took for granted that the correct answer was no.

We have many options he tells me.


Apparently that isn't how this particular visit was gonna work.

But hey, he offered Botox. Says it works like a charm on  chronic migraines and the side effect of no wrinkles is definitely a bonus but it has to be administered with a SYRINGE. I've looked up every definition of syringe and every one includes a NEEDLE. IN MY FACE!!! I politely declined that option.

We're (and by we're, I mean I) am now taking an anti-seizure medication that's side effect is decreasing headache frequency. Also weight loss, which I am totally okay with.

And I did get a small prescription for the medicine that I originally went there for.

I have a follow up appointment in 4 weeks where we will discuss other options and I will give the verdict on my opinion of how the anti-seizure medicine is working.

Dr. Ahhmazing is super cute so I'm okay with seeing him again as long as he doesn't suggest any treatment that has to be administered by injection IN MY FACE.

Sunday, February 12, 2012


We're having an evolution of sorts here.

Although we are probably that last house on the planet to have a VCR, we do in fact have one.  The time on it still flashes 12:00 as vividly as it did 20 years ago. Once upon a time we had a manual that would have instructed us to set it to the correct time but lost in our sea of stuff, it still flashes the beacon announcing that it is eternally 12:00.

It's pretty clear that we are not technology savvy. Shhhh...don't tell that to my sweetie though, he thinks he has all our electronics figured out. It'll be our secret that he sooooo doesn't.

We have laptops. Sort of surround sound DVD players and HD TV's. It's not like we're living in the stone ages.  Except for our cell/mobile (what are the kids calling them now?) phones.

We've been carrying state of the art flip phones for several years now. And by state of the art I mean from a toddlers viewpoint. A toddler from 10 years ago...who's point of reference is a Fisher Price plastic phone.

Last week we decided it was time to upgrade. We now have smart phones. Ironically called that because they are MUCH smarter than we are.

Occasionally one will beep or vibrate for some unknown reason. Me sweetie and I look at each phone then back at each other. Kinda like when I brought a tiny newborn home from the hospital and with each new noise I had to diagnosis what I should do next.

I pick up my phone, which honestly is more like a mini tablet (I learned that term from a TV commerical...viewed on my HD TV, pretty advanced huh?). Peer at the screen and secretly wish it would flash with the strength of my VCR clock to tell me why it's beeping, vibrating or generally trying to tell me something. How am I supposed to know which button to push when the buttons are on a touch screen and don't show up until you know which button to push??

I've emptied the box that it came in over and over. No manual! Just a website to watch a tutorial. I've tried watching the tutorial it's like they are describing the use of this phone to a nuclear physicist. Not to a person who can't set the clock on a 20 year old VCR.

I'm sure in the next 5 years or so I'll figure it out but in the mean time if I don't answer when you text or call. Please send smoke signals.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

If I Was Meant To Have Boobs...God Would Have Given Them To Me

I waited a long time to be visited by the boob fairy and since I'm oh, let just say a couple of decades past puberty I'm not holding my breath any more.

When kids of my generation (geez...that makes me sound OLD) were saving up for concert tickets to Air Supply....wait, maybe only I liked Air Supply. Lets go with....saving up money for leg warmers and Guess acid wash jeans, I was calculating how much I had to make a week at the ice cream shop to save up for a boob job.

As genetics and nature would have it I was painfully skinny as a teenager. My lack of boobage did not go unnoticed by the high school crowd.

Luckily?! Maybe not luckily but somewhat fortunately, as I got older I put on a few..errrr... a couple dozen pounds. It was then that I got what could loosely be referred to as cleavage. The extra weight plus a good bra and I was fairly happy looking in the mirror.

But then I found these totally awesome "sticky" bras on an infomercial that I could order and have delivered straight to my house. HOW AWESOME IS THAT???? I should have paid more attention that the shipping and handling were about 3 times the price of the sticky silicone cups. Live and Learn!

Anyway, I waited and waited and waited, until about 6 weeks later a rectangle shaped  box was finally delivered to my mailbox.  I ran out to retrieve it before some breast-less neighbor detected what was in the box and could have stolen the answer to my lack of boobage prayers.

After careful squishing and sticking placement of my new item, I pranced in front of the mirror to admire what the mailman had given me that nature so cruelly withheld. I gotta say, I was pretty impressed. So I put on a low cut t-shirt and headed out to do some errands.

I was feeling pretty confident that no one knew that most of my endowment was not really mine. UNTIL....I went into the store to pick up a couple 12 packs of on-sale-Pepsi. I didn't really want to chase a shopping cart down in the hot parking lot so I carried my items to the cashier.  Then I felt it....I was beginning to sweat and things were slipping. There were several people in front of me (none of who had 20 items or less, by the way) in the express line. One 12 pack in each arm, an extra large bag of M & M's in one hand and my car keys in the other I stood there willing myself to stop sweating.

It was happening....first the left cup slipped...then the right moved slightly. I hugged the 12 packs to my chest but it was too late. The bra was stuck to my belly and threatening to slip out the bottom of my shirt. My face must have looked like I was about to give birth right there on the grimy grocery store floor. I carefully placed my purchases on the belt to be rung up and covertly tried to wriggle my sticky cups to some part of my chest. By then I was no longer sweating...I was SWEATING!!! And there was no sticking ANYTHING to my wet chest. As calmly and discreetly as possible I yanked the silicone bra off my belly and stuffed it in my purse. A purse that was so full of junk that the fleshy colored cups just laid on top gleaming like the jewels on the top of a treasure chest. I paid for my things and nearly ran to the car.

I don't shop there anymore and I also don't buy As Seen On TV items! I do however still, on occasion,  wear the silicone cups firmly tucked into a good bra. Where there is a will, there is a way!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The Right Decisions

I missed putting words here. I guess I thought I didn't really have anything worth writing. But I do and it clears space in my mind to think of other important things like How my youngest kid is turning 15 in a few short days or How lucky I am that my honey's youngest daughter referred to me as "mama" the other night and my heart hasn't been the same since. Important things!

I started this blog to have somewhere to put my feeling about Her situation.

That seems like a lifetime ago. She has made decisions and choices for her and her family that are far beyond her 24 years since that post so long ago. And she's becoming an amazing woman for it. She knew what was right for her (despite my 2 cents, thankfully) and is continuing to bloom in so many wonderful ways. She just knew!

Earlier today I learned of another young woman who is making choices that while they might not be popular, are right for her. Postponing an event that was creeping up faster than she was prepared for. Because she holds in her heart a million pieces of mine I would support any decision that she made but I am so very proud of her for realizing what is best for her. She is braver than I was at her age. I made choices that felt comfortable and expected but weren't necessarily right for me. I wanted so desperately to dive into the future that I missed out on just being me.

It's taken a lot of years to shake off all the layers of wrong those choices left me with. But what I am left with now is SO right. Love that I only read about in fairy tales, relationships that are healthy and nurturing and people who don't just take up space in my life but enrich it.

My girls? They are strong, independent and more than capable of making the choices that are best for them. It's hard to make decisions that you're afraid other people may not understand or agree with. It's those not so easy options that make me so very proud of both of them.