Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Organization 101

I bought a new purse!

Yes, again. And no, I didn't need it. Geeez, you think just like my husband.

It's big and beautiful and PLAID. I'm all about plaid. Or polka dots! Ooooh, or ruffles! Kinda sounds like I'm not picky huh? I totally am though. Unless it's on sale (and my new one was)...then I'm a little more forgiving of a not so perfect purse.

Anyway I thought this new one was perfect until I put all my junk in it and it swallowed my stuff like a giant black hole.  Turns out is too big.

Enter Amazon dot com. Do you know they have companies that make purse organizers?! It's a little purse that has LOTS of pockets and fits into a bigger bag with no pockets. Perfect solution, right?

My sweetie was not impressed. Apparently a $20.00 sale purse with an $18.00 organizer to make it work is not a good deal. Of course that's just his opinion which in my opinion doesn't mean a hill of beans (especially after I already bought both).

 Clearly, it's MUCH easier to find my important stuff. Stuff like Xanax and my Tide stain stick. Just don't ask me to find it fast.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Three Weeks

Three weeks ago today I watched as life support was discontinued and my sweet step dad slipped into Heaven. By the time we let his body go his soul had already been our guardian angel for two days.

Mostly I'm okay, we are okay. I have a pretty amazing family!

But then, standing in the checkout at Walmart a man in another check out puts his fishing tackle on the belt to pay for it and I feel the sting of tears that I know will refuse to stay behind my eyes.

They are rubber worms with hooks for God sakes! Hardly worth tears. But my fish-lovin' dad won't be buying any more damn rubber worms and that hurts. A LOT!

I tried to focus on the screaming kid beside us or the lady with the tattoo above her butt crack that said "In God We Trust". Anything but those fishing lures. I somehow managed a couple of errant tears but for the most part I didn't crumble at Walmart. Success, I guess.

When will fishing lures just be fishing lures and Sundays just be Sundays?

Saturday, July 9, 2011


My mood is heavy, my heart is heavy.

Like the clouds outside my window weighted with rain waiting to fall. No rumbles of thunder just gray, water filled fluff overhead. Bearing down, pushing so hard that it threatens to squeeze every breath from my chest.

I wish there was some place to go that took the heaviness away. Just for a while. Instead, I drag it with me filled with the weight of loss.

Even letting tears escape down my cheeks doesn't release the burden that my heart keeps firmly in it's grasp.

I'm ready for sunshine to peek through and remind me that this heaviness won't last forever. Or perhaps it will, but a gentle reminder that there will be moments that don't feel like I'm being swallowed by quicksand. Even tiny, fleeting moments. Just some chance to catch my breath.

Webster's definition of strong is "having or marked by great physical power".

My definition is "waking up everyday in grief and surviving".

Thursday, July 7, 2011

I'll Be Missing Him

I woke up feeling the now too familiar heartache of loss just seconds after opening my eyes. What began as small cracks have opened into great, painful, open wounds on my heart. I stood in the shower letting my tears mingle with the hot water raining down on me. I begged God to let me understand why a man that was so gentle and loving could be taken so early in his life and with no warning. Aside from knowing that He made his death as easy on our family as He could I'm still searching for the why. There is no answer.

How can the man who made my mom so happy and who became a Dad to my sister and me be gone? He was here last week on this very day! And now I'm forced to accept that God called him home MUCH earlier than we were ready for.

I watched my mom use every ounce of strength to comfort others while enduring her own devastating heartbreak of losing her husband today. I watched her accept condolences from the many, many people who's lives were touched by the great man that was my Dad. He wasn't my father but he was my Dad in every sense of the word!

I heard the words "it gets easier" and "it won't always hurt this much" but blended with the tears and the heart ache, I'm  just not convinced. Life will go on but there will always be a gaping hole left in my heart by the missing piece that he took to Heaven with him.

I do thank God that he took him peacefully and with little or no pain and that he let him be my Dad for 25 years or so but I could have used another 25 years.

That still wouldn't be enough.