Thursday, August 5, 2010


Just a couple of months ago I picked her up from the airport. I waited with the anticipation of Christmas morning for her to step out of the shuttle with a granddaughter I had not yet met.  After an eternity a few minutes the doors opened and she was right there just like a dream but better. I felt the tears burn behind my eye lids and keeping them from falling was more than I could manage. They dripped down my cheeks as I reached out to hug the daughter I hadn't seen in over a year and a half. No, I didn't give birth to her but she IS my daughter and we clung to each other like we never wanted to let go, sobbing into each others shoulders. It was a feeling like I've never experienced before. Reluctantly, I let go to meet her 5 month old daughter. The granddaughter I has listened to be born on a speaker phone almost 4700 miles away. She shares no genes with me but that child implanted herself so deeply in my heart with that first touch that I knew I was in trouble.

Over the following couple of weeks we shared and cried and I learned thing that I wish I'd never learned. Things I can't control yet very serious things that affect every moment of both my daughters life and that of her sweet baby girl. The potential for pain that I would throw my body over to keep it from touching either of them. I can't make decisions for her and all though I can share past experiences that left me scarred and more than a little less trusting I can't force her to keep herself from living the same hell.

I'm trying so hard to remind myself that her situation isn't identical to mine. But I see in her eyes the less than carefree life she should be having with her bright eyed little girl. The freedom to enjoy watching her transform from a newborn to a inquisitive baby seems overshadowed by...I don't's more than responsibility of being a new mommy. It's the weight of the world, her world. As much as I want to erase that look from her eyes I'm powerless to do anything. Helpless to kiss it and make it all better.

I long for that feeling that I felt when she clung to me at the airport like I could keep her from drowning. On that day I also believed that I could, I wish I still had that feeling.

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