His Mom

Nine years ago today heaven gained an angel.

Her husband called her Doe. My sweetie called her mom.

I waited too long to tell her thank you for raising the man that completes me.

She loved her children fiercely. When she learned that my sweetie and I planned to get married only 10 months after we met she wasn't crazy about the idea. After all, I had two young sons. She knew he would accept my boys as his own and help me raise them because that is the kind of man that she raised him to be. I know not long after we got married and maybe to some degree before, my boys and I became part of her family. She only wanted her son to be happy and I think she knew he was.

She had some quirks. She grew up in a large family and tended to hold on to the values that she was raised with. Her freezer may have held food that was more than a little past it's prime. Her living room furniture may have been encased in plastic to save them from wear (except that no one ever sat on them). She scrimped and saved and made due with what she had. Generally buying only what was needed. Except for her beautiful rings which her granddaughters now wear and keep close to their hearts.

She married her soul mate and he adored her. He lived less fully after she lost her battle with breast cancer. Her children are the best parts of her. Not only did I gain my own soul mate but also have friends and family in his siblings and their spouses. How do you thank someone for that? She gave me priceless gifts and didn't even know it.

Thanks Mom. So loved and so missed!

IV's Suck

No, really they do! 5 vials of blood came out of that tiny tube! But not before Nurse Jennifer tried twice to get the IV started in my other arm. I thanked her profusely for not fishing around for a vein. She kindly found another nurse who said "Oh, here's a good vein. In your right HAND!" It didn't really hurt unless I moved my hand or wrist. Did I mention I'm right-handed? So, yeah, it hurt.

I only visit the Emergency Room about every 10 years or so. Last time I went for chest pain and shortness of breath. Luckily it turned out that it was a panic attack and I was discharged after only a few hours. Scared me to death though.

Since then, I've had too many panic attacks to count. I know what they feel like and I know how to calm myself down and avoid any unneeded hospital visits.

About half way to work this morning at 7:00 or so my heart started to pound and I couldn't catch my breath. My left arm went numb and I debated whether to turn around and go home, pull over and call 911 or drive to the hospital around the corner from work. I chose the hospital. I found my way into the Emergency Room and managed to fill out most of their paperwork (which was no small feat since I was shaking and couldn't remember my own zip code). I called my sweetie and was whisked back to a room.

After my arms became pin cushions I had an EKG. I didn't mind practically exposing my boobs to have the electrodes attached but then they had to put them on each of my calves (calfs? not cows, legs). I may not have shaved my legs in a week two or three weeks. The poor tech almost had to part the hair to put on the electrodes. EMBARRASSING!

Every cell in those 5 vials of blood screamed NORMAL. EKG screamed NORMAL. Chest xray? Also normal. The final diagnosis was "STRESS REACTION". Which translates to there is nothing wrong with you, you hypochondriac or Panic Attack. The doctor mumbled something about not ignoring these kinds of symptoms since they could be something significant "as we age". She didn't mean WE, she meant ME. I wanted to slap her (with the hand that didn't have the IV in it).

I would appreciate if my panic attacks could be a little more consistent with the symptoms because my arm going numb was NOT expected.

My sweetie soothed my pin cushioned arms and panic-y brain by taking me shopping. Yeah for retail therapy! I bought these:

Anti-bacterial!!

Nothing soothes a hypochondriac like 5 bottles of antibacterial soap!

Going Shopping

This *may* have been witnessed by a friend of a friend. Or it *may* have been witnessed by me.

If you're my mom it was definately a friend of a friend, or a neighbors friend but DEFINATELY was NOT me.

For the sake of saving some people from embarassement please read "grocery store" as grocery store. For everyone else read ''grocery store" as adult store. K?

Two people, who may have been me and my sweetie were strolling through the adult store grocery store. Perusing the canned goods and such.

Oh, and for the sake of this story, this particular store had the produce section in the back behind closed doors. AND people had to pay to spend time choosing their produce.

Anyway, out of the produce department came this 30-ish year old guy, looking more than a little disheveled. He began to complain to the cashier that he didn't get  his full amount of time that he paid for to carefully hand select his produce. Apparently he was shorted 10 seconds of time. 10 SECONDS! His voice was unnaturally high as he explained to the less than caring cashier that he was only seconds from choosing the perfect melons and the produce employee told him his time was up and he had to move on. His language got a little more colorful and he was adamant that he NEEDED that last 10 seconds.

I'm not exactly sure how the produce department works at this particular grocery store but 10 seconds doesn't sound like a big deal. Unless, the perfectly hand selected fruit is only 9 seconds from your grasp.

I was completely grossed out and I got a case of the giggles right there in the store. Giggling in the grocery store with other shoppers around is frowned upon so we quickly made our exit.

I hope I never see that guy in the local Walmart!

Boing

There are things bouncing around in my brain, not unlike ping pong balls in an empty shoe box. They rattle loudly when I'm alone and quietly nag at me in the darkness of night time.

New Years resolutions that didn't quite make it to the second week of January.

Fear that I'm a hypocrite if I give my honest and solicited opinion on a situation. I know the situations are different but the outcomes will be very much the same.

Disappointment that I don't have the patience for people that I would like to have.

Anger that I try desperately to tame so as not to hurt people with words that aren't retractable.

Cravings for time that I just feel peaceful.

Sometimes I can pretend they are not there. But like shadows that are always present just a brief glance at a random moment and I am acutely aware of their presence. I want to shove all this noise in my mind into a tiny, sound proof corner and for a few seconds just feel relief.

Randomness

I got a phone call today. It tore at my heart leaving it shredded and bloody. The sound of being shell-shocked is rarely hidden very well. I had no words. As much as I wanted to say the cliche phrases like everything happens for a reason and it will be okay, I just couldn't because sometimes there aren't any words that make the hurt go away.

My new 10 hour days are KILLING me. Yeah, I like having Mondays off but going to work in the dark at 6:30 in the morning and driving home  in the dark at 6:30 PM is getting old really quickly. A half hour for dinner and a quick bath and its time for bed. Lather, rinse, repeat. I'm running out of time everyday to just live. I'm giving this schedule a chance to grow on me for another few weeks but if its not all rainbows and unicorns all the time by then I'm going back to working normal hours like everyone else.

I have the option of wearing scrubs to work now. And I am loving it! Let me tell you why. It has nothing to do with the fact that they are comfortable. They totally are though! It has everything to do with I fit in a medium instead of a large. A large was too big! Silly, since no one but me knows what size I'm wearing but I CAN BUY A MEDIUM IN CLOTHING! Oh, and it's like going to work in my jammies. How could I go wrong with that??

I miss my Christmas tree. It was the most magnificent Christmas tree EVER (I say that every year, so just go with it) and I miss it fancying up my living room. Now it just looks boring!

My solution to having no heat in my car is to put a heating pad on my lap. That's not weird right? I only need heat a couple weeks a year so I'm saving myself the 400.00 or so dollars that it would cost to fix it and adding it to my vacation fund.

Cause I am totally going on a cruise for vacation this year! That is so worth driving around with a heating pad on my lap!