Wednesday, September 8, 2010

What was I thinking?

A while back I bought an epilator. Sounds harmless enough huh? IT IS A TORTURE DEVICE!

At first I used it to make my feet and toes soft and flip flop ready. It's got a little wheel on it that gently, painlessly OMG yanks the hair out by the root. But the fuzzies grow back pretty slowly so I'm okay with a couple seconds of feeling like my feet are in a wood chipper. I have been known to use it on a few stray eyebrows too until....I caught me eye lashes and thought my eye lid had been pulled into a meat grinder. It took a minute for me to work up the courage to look in the mirror. I was already trying to figure out how I was going to sleep if I had no eye lids?  I've yet to see a prosthetic eye lid but maybe I could find one on Ebay.

I'm not sure which branch of my family tree contains primates but HOLY COW I have way more hair on my legs than our bath tub drain can handle.  That led me to pull the pretty pink and white torture device from its hiding place deep in our bathroom vanity.  I temporarily forgot it. is. there. for. a. reason!

I took a warm shower and sat on the cool tile of the bathroom floor, plugged in the device and slid it across my ankle. I'm not gonna lie, IT HURT. But I pushed 2, not very small, babies from my lady bits with no epidural. I can withstand some discomfort. I pulled the skin taunt and moved the tiny lawnmower 2 or 3 inches at a time up my calf. Beads of sweat started to form on my forehead and I got a little dizzy but shook it off. Obviously, if I move the chainsaw up my leg faster it would get done faster and I could go back to breathing normally. I now know if you pull your skin off fast or slow IT. HURTS. LIKE. HELL. I forced myself to persevere even though the room was starting to spin and it was 450538 degrees in our tiny bathroom. My leg was bright red and angry looking but it was smooth. It was then that I noticed exactly how much I was sweating because my butt started to slide on the tile and I realized I was becoming nauseated. Now I had half of one leg soft and smooth and  one that resembled Sasquatch. My hands were shaking and kinda numb from the vibration of the power tool so I gave up.  I sat on the side of the tub and shaved the other leg. Then I stood in a cold shower until my body functions could behave themselves.

It's two days later and one leg is still smooth. The other has horrible stubble but I'd rather remove my appendix through my nose with kitchen tongs than use that hateful device on my other leg!


  1. OMFG Shelley you are going to be the death of me by really should write a book!!!! DIH

  2. Haha! It used to be called Epilady. It is a large spring that also rips out the hair. Son of a bitch it hurts! I've had 2 children, 2 tattoos & 5 piercings. Those heal relatively quickly compared to the carnage of an Epilady. Don't ever do it!