Webster defines punishment as suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution.
I'm not sure how to deal with a punishment that's being served for something that isn't my fault. I've been punished for things that I'm sorry for. And I live with those things because even though I'm sorry it's not always enough. But being penalized for a decision that someone else made is breaking my heart. The wrong was done by someone else with no penalty. How is that fair? Simply glossed over like it never happened. The ultimatum was given to lose everything or accept the unacceptable. I never give enough, I'm not willing to forgive. Quite honestly I'm tired of trying. A physical wound can be bandaged and waited on to heal. The heart doesn't work like that. All the bandaging and medicine in the world won't make it hurt any less when in one breath the words "I love you" are thrown into the wind but in the next second it's made more than clear that that love really isn't enough. Crumbs are dropped, carrots dangled. For what? To entice or to remind that I can hurt you more? I suppose the decision was made for me and I'll learn to live with it. I've cried and swallowed hurtful words because the effort won't make it better. I've let go of wishes for occasions that will never be. Disintegrated before it ever happened. I can't keep wearing my heart on my sleeve while my arm feels like its being forcefully removed. Maybe I'll continue to live with the what ifs and what could have been or maybe it'll get easier. I really don't know.
I hurt. I'm angry and that anger is destroying a love that barely had time to blossom. For that I am sorry! It's wrong and I know it but I'm defenseless to keep it from happening. One relationship is nurtured while several others decay. I can't force it and I must accept it. I'm giving up so much. There can't be any other outcome. I'll smile and remember that what never was won't be missed. I hope!
That 300 pound gorilla in the corner? Just pretend it's not there. Nevermind that it's taking up all the space in the room and making it hard to breathe. Ignore it and it will disappear. If only......