Thursday, January 26, 2012

If I Was Meant To Have Boobs...God Would Have Given Them To Me

I waited a long time to be visited by the boob fairy and since I'm oh, let just say a couple of decades past puberty I'm not holding my breath any more.

When kids of my generation (geez...that makes me sound OLD) were saving up for concert tickets to Air Supply....wait, maybe only I liked Air Supply. Lets go with....saving up money for leg warmers and Guess acid wash jeans, I was calculating how much I had to make a week at the ice cream shop to save up for a boob job.

As genetics and nature would have it I was painfully skinny as a teenager. My lack of boobage did not go unnoticed by the high school crowd.

Luckily?! Maybe not luckily but somewhat fortunately, as I got older I put on a few..errrr... a couple dozen pounds. It was then that I got what could loosely be referred to as cleavage. The extra weight plus a good bra and I was fairly happy looking in the mirror.

But then I found these totally awesome "sticky" bras on an infomercial that I could order and have delivered straight to my house. HOW AWESOME IS THAT???? I should have paid more attention that the shipping and handling were about 3 times the price of the sticky silicone cups. Live and Learn!

Anyway, I waited and waited and waited, until about 6 weeks later a rectangle shaped  box was finally delivered to my mailbox.  I ran out to retrieve it before some breast-less neighbor detected what was in the box and could have stolen the answer to my lack of boobage prayers.

After careful squishing and sticking placement of my new item, I pranced in front of the mirror to admire what the mailman had given me that nature so cruelly withheld. I gotta say, I was pretty impressed. So I put on a low cut t-shirt and headed out to do some errands.

I was feeling pretty confident that no one knew that most of my endowment was not really mine. UNTIL....I went into the store to pick up a couple 12 packs of on-sale-Pepsi. I didn't really want to chase a shopping cart down in the hot parking lot so I carried my items to the cashier.  Then I felt it....I was beginning to sweat and things were slipping. There were several people in front of me (none of who had 20 items or less, by the way) in the express line. One 12 pack in each arm, an extra large bag of M & M's in one hand and my car keys in the other I stood there willing myself to stop sweating.

It was happening....first the left cup slipped...then the right moved slightly. I hugged the 12 packs to my chest but it was too late. The bra was stuck to my belly and threatening to slip out the bottom of my shirt. My face must have looked like I was about to give birth right there on the grimy grocery store floor. I carefully placed my purchases on the belt to be rung up and covertly tried to wriggle my sticky cups to some part of my chest. By then I was no longer sweating...I was SWEATING!!! And there was no sticking ANYTHING to my wet chest. As calmly and discreetly as possible I yanked the silicone bra off my belly and stuffed it in my purse. A purse that was so full of junk that the fleshy colored cups just laid on top gleaming like the jewels on the top of a treasure chest. I paid for my things and nearly ran to the car.

I don't shop there anymore and I also don't buy As Seen On TV items! I do however still, on occasion,  wear the silicone cups firmly tucked into a good bra. Where there is a will, there is a way!

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