Friday, September 16, 2011

Bouncing Along on the Crazy Train

We've been playing the health insurance game this year. I'll take deducibles for $1000 Alex.

My, OMG I'm having a heart attack/stroke/some other equally scary episode BUT wait NO you're just having a freakin panic attack, ER visit in January set us up to meet our family deductible (which we hardly ever do) so now we are paying much less to have overdue doctor visits. It's a doctor visit free-for-all up in here!

It's been a couple of years since my last lady bits, leave no crevice unexplored visit. So I went....on my lunch hour. Cause nothing says it's lunch time like a doctor burying his arm to the elbow in your girly flower. Oh, and let's not forget the small talk that you're expected to banter during said violation. It's hard to chit chat when at any time the doctor could grab your tonsils and remove from them from your nether regions. The phrase "you can get dressed" never sounds sweeter than when it's announced after this put-it-off-as-long-as-you-can visit.

That was about 2 weeks ago. In our family, ignorance is bliss where medical junk is concerned.

This morning when I turned on my cell phone there was a message from Dr. Vajayjay's office. Oh crap! I stared at the phone with a deer caught in the head lights look while my brain processed the possible scenarios. I immediately called only to find out that the nurse wasn't in the office yet. How could she leave a message saying that my results were back and we need to discuss my options and then just go home FOR THE WHOLE NIGHT???

I may have called a couple (and by couple I mean 278949 times) BUT I did only leave one message (sounding surprisingly like I had my shit together). It took a WHOLE HALF HOUR after leaving the message that I finally reached her. In that 30 minutes my anxiety level shot from Oh, everything is fine to  OMG, if she says the word biopsy there will not be enough medication on this planet to keep me from losing my ever-lovin mind!

I once got a quick peek at my medical records at Dr. Awesome's office and saw that the diagnosis (listed right after hypochondria) is GAD. Which Dr. Google defines as Generalized Anxiety Disorder but in my mind it will always be GAH! As in, GAH when will she stop googling symptoms?!

Anyway, Dr. V's nurse just wanted to know if I thought I might have symptoms of blah, blah, blah (NOTHING that requires removing body parts or treatments that require nasty with a side of horrendous side effects). I confirmed that Dr. V and I had already discussed the possible symptoms and that he had written me a prescription that I have already taken and that my girly bits are as good as baby unicorn breath.

I am happy to report that EVERYONE in our household is well but these episode of Diagnosis Roulette suck!!

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