Thursday, June 16, 2011

Tsunami of TMI

This post has been bouncing around in my mind for a couple of months. Since I purchased this>> I've started and deleted, started and deleted.

Somewhere in my upbringing I misplaced the filter between my brain and my mouth (or fingers, in this case) and have been known to share TMI or let things slip out that shouldn't but this is my blog so here comes an avalanche of TMI.

***If girly stuff embarrasses you or icks you out, don't say I didn't warn you***

Like every woman knows, the story we get in the 5th grade about the joy of becoming a woman is CRAP! What it really boils down to is one week out of every month YOUR GUTS ARE GONNA FALL OUT of your delicate lady flower!! You're going to bloat up and you will kill and crawl over the body for a Hershey bar. And lest you think the other 3 weeks of the month are any better, prepare for mood swings that are capable of causing buildings to crumble and tears that choose random TV commercials and Hallmark cards to cause rivers of wetness to streak down your cheeks.  Yeah, I didn't read anything about that in the cute, little, pink print covered booklet that was handed to me in the 5th grade while all of us blushed with embarrassment.

Somehow, I don't think the story that the boys got in 5th grade was quite as misleading!

If you didn't click on the link up there heralding my latest purchase go ahead and Google the images of  "Diva Cup".....I'll wait.

Traumatized yet??

It's similar to a silicone Dixie Cup that is inserted into the vajayjay during a period to ummmm...collect what would be traditionally absorbed by a tampon. Quite the visual I know, I warned you.  Anyway, it can be left in for 8-10 hours and makes the dreaded monthly visitor a little more tolerable as you don't have to know the location of EVERY.SINGLE. ladies room in EVERY.SINGLE store/restaurant/gas station that you visit. I was a little hesitant at first but I read, oh, about 54985498 reviews and only found about 4 that didn't recommend it. Good odds, I thought. So I bought it, did I couple of trial runs (don't think too hard about that, it's kinda gross) and waited for Aunt Flo to visit.

She did. It worked. Until....I tried to coax the cup out of my girly bits. I reached and reached and reached. I'm fairly sure I was somewhere close to my sinus cavity but it was NOT THERE! Now besides learning that teachers in health classes are liars, I was pretty sure that I learned that there is no where to go up there and that there is only one way out.

I pushed full term babies out of my nether regions certainly I could dislodge a small silicone cup. But, NO! It was GONE! Common sense, though sometimes elusive to me, gave me firm awareness that this was NOT a problem that I could ask just anyone to help me with. And by all that is holy, no way was I going to any medical professional and admit ANYTHING was lost up in my lady bits.

That only left my husband, the one who promised to love, honor and cherish me until death do us part. I'm pretty sure that he promised to help me avoid any potentially embarrassing medical procedure to extract errant items from any body part too. I may have dreamt that part but anyhow, I knew I had to wait until he got home from work.

I pictured him laying in the bathtub, wearing a miner's helmet with the headlamp at full beam and a pair of freshly sterilized salad tongs and me standing over him with a foot on each side of the tub.  Kinda like when a car is up on the rack and the mechanic is standing under it to repair a broken part. Or one of those claw games where you snag a stuffed animal and it drops to the door to be retrieved.

As luck (and a little gravity) would have it, pacing like I was going to tell him I was pregnant instead of just admitting that I may have something stuck somewhere near my brain by way of my love cookie, I felt....well I'll just call it movement.  I'll spare you the details, yeah I know why start now but you can thank me later. I'll just say no salad tongs or crane claws were necessary to save the day.  I could have kept all this to myself and not looked quite so crazy but no, I shared it with my sweetie and all of you! Lucky you, huh?

I haven't lost it since and it really is one of the best things I've ever bought on the internet...except that one really cool sex toy...but that's a story for another day.

1 comment:

  1. Shelley, you always make me laugh! I've heard of that kind of thing but I thank God that I'm beyond needing one.

    Jenny Spires