A New Year, A New Me

I think I've finally found a name that suits my little corner of the internet. I've changed it twice in the 2 and a half-ish years since I planted the little seed and tried to cultivate it into something that resembles a blog.

Having slept through the midnight New York City ball drop we didn't have much fanfare to greet the incoming year in the early hours of 2013. An early work hour of 5 am for my sweetie meant he was home in plenty of time for us to enjoy some beach time before the sunset this evening. We walked holding hands watching people in bathing suits, dripping wet oblivious to the chilly (at least by Florida standards) air.

I made myself stop and just stand there. Looking, really looking at what any other day I probably would have just walked by. I don't make New Years resolutions. It's a sure set up for failure. But today I decided that too much time, too many days, weeks, months, years have past where I have missed details. Details, like how red the lifeguard shack at the beach is.

How cool and soft the sand felt under my feet, between my toes. Where the shells stopped after being plowed in by the waves, much like drifts of snow fresh from the edge of a shovel.

 

 

The seagulls were still. Their normally loud call was quiet like they were daring me to notice. I did notice. I heard the giggling of the kids in the cold water and the splashing as they tried to out run the chilly waves.

 

This year I'm going to fall more in love with him.

Learn more about me.

 

And write more about it here.



 

 







 

 



A Blooming Relationship

For the last two and a half years the relationship that I've managed to share with Lily has been somewhat stunted. Admittedly, it was mostly self imposed. Generally out of fear I suppose. I wanted so desperately to share what my Grandma and I shared that I was afraid to stretch and reach for that special bond. What if it was torn away? I almost allowed fear to cause me to miss out on the most precious of relationships.

I also allowed another person to form the connection that I was willing to settle for with my only granddaughter. I gave him the ability to control how much I was willing to share with her. I'm angry.

I will not lose any more time letting him or anyone else dictate what kind of bond Lily and I share. I have big plans for us. I want to experience seasons and holidays with her. I've missed too many already.

This past weekend we shared our first of many holiday traditions together. Fall is a hard season to experience in Florida. Pumpkin patches are little more than tents with various size pumpkins lined in rows. And temperatures are 80 plus but experience it, we did.

 

I have lost time to make up for and seasons and holidays to look forward to.

Purrrrrfection

Having grown up with a cat. I knew eventually I would have another one at some point. I knew most certainly it would be a female. She would purr loudly and ideally she would be a rescue.

Enter Lucy!

I saw a sign at PetSmart that said our local cat rescue had cats for adoption available there. I had planned a trip to Target next door but ventured into visit the kitties not thinking for a second that one would steal my heart the way this one did.

Secretly, I had a pretty long list of criteria for my imaginary pet.
1. Must be blonde.
2. Must have thumbs. A Hemmingway cat. Polydactyl.
3. Again, Female.
4. Must purr, Loudly.
5. Must LOVE to be held.

I reached in, stroked her soft fur. She looked at me with her beautiful green eyes and I was hooked.

No blonde fur. No extra toe. No purring. Wouldn't let me hold her if my life depended on it. NOTHING that I wanted but everything that I needed. She needed me to take her home. A forever home.

A home where she promptly took up residence under the cabinet in our bathroom. Refusing to be touched.

Thankfully, she just needed time and patience. She's still not crazy about being held but when I rub her belly she purrs LOUDLY.

For the next couple of months we're having an extended sleep over which includes one additional cat, a small dog, a beautiful curly haired toddler and her mom. Lucy's not too pleased with others using her litter box or eating her food. She makes this noise deep in her throat that resembles what I imagine a mountain lion sounds like right before it eats you. She's much happier about the human little person and her mom.

 Sometimes how things actually turn out are SO MUCH BETTER than how they are imagined!
This kitty loves with her whole body. She rubs and purrs and is everything I never knew I wanted.

Her, Revisted

I started this little blog, in my little corner of the internet because I needed somewhere to put all the words and feeling that were taking up so much space in my mind about Her. That was so long ago. August 2010.

Even now, I can barely bring myself to reread my own words. In an instant I can relive that day. It was equally one of the best days of my life and one of the most terrifying. I held the granddaughter that I had waited my whole life to meet and I felt the terror that my daughter released as she let me hold her and shed tears that she had held inside so bravely for so long.

I wanted to let her crumble and tell her it was okay I would put the pieces back together for her but I couldn't. She was stronger than that. She gave chances, where circumstances didn't deserve chances. Benefits of the doubt were afforded to those who certainly didn't deserve it. She gave her little family more than a fighting chance to bloom.

But now choices have been made. She's done what she thinks is best for herself and her little girl. She made the best of a less than ideal situation and she will never  have to say that she didn't give it her all. I am so very, very proud of her.

I've watched her make decisions that are not easy to make. I've seen her put her daughter above everything else. She is the mother I knew she wanted to be when she stepped off that airplane that hot August afternoon.

I wanted so desperately to save her. To keep her from drowning in the hurt. But, she didn't need me to save her. She's strong and independent and such a good mother. She's going to be just fine.

And this beautiful curly haired granddaughter that we are so lucky to have is loved beyond words. She's going to be just fine too.

Forcing It To Fit

 

 

You know that cabinet in your kitchen that just can't hold one more item?  It's probably a high small cabinet that's out of reach because it's not used often but it's there, containing random items that need a home. Mine is above the fridge and requires a chair to even open the door.

 

I keep my food processor up there. The one that I use about once a year to make the salsa that I love but that I'm generally too lazy to make. While it's nestled up there out of the way, it doesn't really fit. The door doesn't fully close. I've forced it to fit, breaking small pieces of the plastic cover and scaring the inside of the cabinet door.

 

Broken. Scarred.

 

It's not a cabinet door or kitchen appliance. Some days it's me. A small part of my head that I shove feelings or emotions in that I just don't have the strength to deal with daily. Occasionally, in a weak moment when I least expect it, a jagged piece with sharp edges tumbles out before I am able to prepare myself. A sharp shard that I thought I had careful tucked so far behind the loosely closing door that it certainly couldn't fall out. But fall out it does.

I scramble to collect all the scattered pieces. The scrambling is exhausting. The shards cut deeply but I continue to scoop them and tuck them away. Wiping the tears that fall even when I try desperately to ignore the burning pricks behind by eyes.

When the pieces are safely tucked way, I can smile. 

I know that forcing it to fit will cause another small piece to crack, creating another jagged edge and maybe even creating another scar. But it will only be seen from inside and it will all fit again this time too.




 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Pain In The Neck

For our 14th anniversary we booked a short cruise. More likely, than not a VERY ROMANTICAL CRUISE!

We're not planners so it was several weeks after our actual anniversary and we're cheap so we didn't purchase vacation insurance. After all,  what possible reason would we not be going on a cruise that was already booked and that was celebrating our wedding anniversary?!

About a week before the cruise I woke up with a kink in my neck but certainly it would go away before we left. IT DIDN'T! It slowly crept into my arm and had me begging my doctor to amputate it before I left on my MAYBE-NOT-GONNA-BE-SO-ROMANTIC cruise the next day.

I think we have a total of 20 pictures of the whole 4 day cruise, none of which I took.

We managed to leave the cabin for dinner in the dining room ONE night. I would have endured just about any amount of pain for lobster tail. We strolled the decks for a few minutes after dinner before the man who vowed to love me in sickness and in health could tell that I was about to ask the next person I passed for a nail file to surgically remove my right arm. When he asked me if I was ready to go back to the cabin all I could do was nod.

I'm fairly convinced that the woman tending to our room thought we must have been on our honeymoon because every time we left the room the bed was unmade (I was cold and could only get my neck and arm to stop hurting by lying down). If she only knew!

We docked in Nassau Bahamas and left the ship for about a total of a half hour. With every step I took the pain in my arm made me nauseous and I refused to throw up in a foreign country so we went back to the ship.

I totally ruined our fancy anniversary celebration and it sucked! But on the bright side I didn't spend any money, so there's that.

About 5 hours after we got off the ship I had an MRI which told my doctor that I had at least 3 herniated discs in my neck and nerves that were smashed between them. I didn't need an MRI to tell them that! I've now had 2 weeks of therapy which has helped and the pain has developed into more of an irritating electrical pins and needles sensation. Hopefully it will keep getting better.

Eventually I hope to have a cruise DO OVER. One where we don't have the only picture of us together in the mirror in our cabin.

The First 14 Years of Forever

We chose a date. April 1, 1998. April Fool's Day.


Still appropriate. We make each other laugh.


My head knows the moon has always been perched in the sky. My heart tells me you hung it there especially for me the day we met (June 26, 1997, I remember).


Our family laughs at our clothing optional bedroom picnics 14 years into our marriage. We just giggle.


Both our hands reach towards the others' when we walk side by side. Instinctively.


You gave me my first house early in our marriage and we made it a home. Together.


We learned a lot about each other in that home. We faced fears and uncertainties but I never felt like I wasn't with the person who made my world whole. We learned that we were stronger. Together.


We raised OUR children. We made mistakes. We're still learning that each one is different and wonderful. Only one to go. Super heroes are made of that kinda stuff.


You keep me from sinking when the darkness bubbles from places that I don't understand.


You reach for me in your sleep like you've been doing if far longer than 14 years.


You know, without looking at me, which movies, tv shows, songs, cards, commercials, heck just about anything, are making me cry. I think you know, before I do.


We've held each other during the loses of people that we thought would crush us. And we just kept breathing. Together.


Grandchildren! We have grandbabies!


We have big plans for our future. I have no doubts that we will make them happen.


There is a contentment when we're together and an  anticipation when we're apart. I expected that to fade sometime during the last decade, but I'm overjoyed that it hasn't.


As we make our way to our happily ever after, loving and learning each step of the way,  I hope that you always know that you carry as much of my heart and soul with you as I carry with me.

Happy Anniversary Sweetie!